I have been an ExMuslim since I was fifteen years old however I have only been open about my apostasy for the past six years. I choose to remain anonymous online because although I live in a Western Country I have endured so much abuse and threats from the Muslim community where I live. I also choose to remain anonymous because I have previously been doxxed by Muslims who went as far as to try and get me fired by contacting my workplace.
I am devoted to the ExMuslim because as we are a people whose voices are often silenced or ignored on a global scale. I am here to give a voice to ExMuslims who are unable to speak up.
My family were and still are strict adherents to Islam. I was raised in a culture-free household with the primary objective to raise the next generation of Da’ee and Mujahid. From a young age, I was taught to believe only in Allah and that the evil disbelievers will burn in hell for eternity. At seven I was told to wear the hijab, to pray and to never talk to boys. By the time I was twelve, I could recite any passage for the Quran as well as the correlating meaning and Hadith. When I received my first period, I was ordered to wear the niqab and that I was ready for marriage. My first proposal arrived at fourteen followed by a steady stream of suitors aged between eighteen and thirty-two. I refused to be married and always found excuses to manipulate my parents into holding off. I had no one to reach out to for help as my mother had removed me from school in a bid to train me to be the perfect wife.
In the early 2000s, many of my parent’s friends were raided and arrested for planning a terror attack in my city. Out of fear of imprisonment, my family moved overseas where I encountered a truly Muslim State. At this time a war was breaking out in the southern provinces and one of my cousins was killed fighting for an offshoot branch of Al-Qaeda. People would walk the streets wearing shirts with Bin Laden’s face on them, nonmuslims would travel everywhere with armoured vehicles and guards. A Christian convert was killed by his own family in the streets. During this time I had begun to question my beliefs and I was terrified.
My family returned back to the West after the raids and sentencing had quietened down but my family had had a taste of what a True Islamic Country was like and so they began to heavily proselytise for Muslims to emigrate to True Islamic Countries.
In my late teens, I had finally convinced my parents to let me attend school to graduate, but I was quickly pulled out as I was in a haram environment with mixing despite being fully covered. It was then that I thought my only way out is through marriage. If only I could find a nonreligious Muslim guy! But my parents wouldn’t agree. I needed to marry a strong man who would guide me and discipline me if needed.
Throughout my childhood, my parents were physically violent and it wasn’t until I was almost twenty, that I started to fight back. I would kick and punch them as they were beating me with belts and cables. One day, after a particularly brutal beating, I told my parents that I would destroy their reputation and that I would call the police if they so much as even threatened to harm me. They must have understood how serious I was as they never touched me again.
Not long after this did I leave home. I knew there was no possibility for me to gather my things and that it would have to be a sudden departure as I shared a room with some of my siblings. You would think being raised in such a household we would be united against my parents but sadly it was everyone for themselves and they would happily throw a sibling under the bus if it meant them getting out of a beating.
The night I left was terrifying yet liberating. I had no idea where I was going, no money, no clothes yet I didn’t care. I would have slept at a bus stop or train station. Thankfully though I had a friend who offered a couch for me to sleep on.
Now I have a job, I live in my own place, I have completed my high school education as well as graduating from a few different courses, I am in a healthy and supportive relationship and I own a beast of a car. Every day I try to experience new things and talk to people from all kinds of backgrounds. I know how hard it is to leave home and I now offer my couch to ExMuslim who are escaping their families and countries (it is currently taken by a lovely young ExMuslim girl)
It hasn’t been easy to get to the position I am in now, but it’s been worth it. I have grown so much as a person. I am proud of who I am. I am a confident, outspoken woman who doesn’t resemble the timid and terrified girl I was six years ago.
I am free.